Surviving the Holidays
I still remember how I felt throughout my childhood and young adult life at Christmas time like it were yesterday. Surrounded by my extended family, my stomach would churn with the distinct sickening feeling that came with intense fear and anxiety throughout my entire body. All I wanted was to escape my family, the farm, and, most of all, my abuser. Instead, I sat next to him in front of the Christmas tree with a smile on my face pretending everything was merry and bright. However, on the inside, nothing could be farther from the truth.
Does this story remind you of painful emotions in your own life?
I haven’t spent a holiday with my abuser in more than twenty years, but sometimes that feeling returns, even when I tell myself that isn’t my life anymore. To this day, I find myself sometimes wanting to run, but with nowhere to go. So, just like you, I have had to face my past and the range of emotions that go with it.
The holidays can be quite challenging for survivors; especially if someone in your family was your abuser, or if your family brushed off the abuse you experienced. It can be hard to celebrate if your relationship with a holiday holds pain or trauma.
I don’t pretend to know your individual story or experiences with the holidays. Still, I do know how hard this season can be for anyone who has experienced distress, loss, dysfunction, or misery at some point during a holiday.
As we watch the world around us celebrate the season with joy—in the media, movies, shopping, and decorations—some of us are instead reminded of how difficult this time of year can be. Some of us may have to deal with dysfunctional family gatherings, memories of painful times in our lives or people who have hurt us, or grieving loved ones we have lost. The holidays don’t always look as rosy to everyone.
I wish I could be by your side and help you through the holiday season. Still, I hope you know that you are not alone. There are thousands, even millions, of us that have to deal with the pain of our past during the holidays. It can be an overwhelming time in our lives. If you find yourself struggling this season, reach out for help. You don’t have to let these challenging times take away your light. In fact, it is time to take back your holidays.
I’ve compiled the following list to help you survive the stress of the holidays and find more bliss in your life. I hope you find it helpful as you navigate the next few weeks.
Holiday Survival List
Be compassionate and kind, and treat yourself with respect.
Recognize what you need emotionally and take the time to meet those needs.
Set healthy boundaries with your family and friends.
If your family or friends are unhealthy, you may need to limit your contact with them, or even choose a different path that doesn’t include them.Don’t put yourself in a position that causes you pain or trauma.
There is no need to subject yourself to people, places, or situations that cause you either.Remember, you have a right to choose not to participate in family functions, especially if they choose not to respect or value your needs as an individual.
Only healthy, respectful interaction between family members is acceptable; your family needs to protect and choose you over any abuser.Change, adapt, or make new traditions that create happier moments.
Past traditions can trigger old emotions such as pain, sadness, anxiety, fear, or loneliness.Celebrate the holiday in a new location.
There is no need for you to immerse yourself in a place that only holds memories of loss, dysfunction, or past trauma.Finally, if your family or friends don’t support you and your needs, it’s best to take care of yourself first, even if that means new traditions, places, and people!
We don’t have to relive the pain of our past this holiday season (or any other, for that matter). It is our choice to make our holidays what we want them to be as we heal and move forward with our lives. Let’s make new traditions that hold peaceful feelings and happier emotions.
Today, I enjoy my close friends and family in my mountain home far away from the old homestead where I grew up. Occasionally, those old thoughts find their way back into my mind. That is when I take a moment and comfort the little girl inside me that lived through the painful trauma of abuse, anxiety, fear, and overwhelming sadness. Then, I focus on my current life that includes new traditions and places, and the amazing people I choose to have in it.
My prayers and love are with you this holiday season.
Love,
Mannette