Losing Mimi - Process Grief
As a young girl, you could find my mom—better known as Mimi these days—riding her horse Sonny with Stinky the raccoon trailing behind her. They would ride down to the small local store in Rand, an unincorporated community in Kaufman County, Texas. Dud, the owner, would bet the local salesman and delivery guy that mom’s raccoon Stinky could understand him and would do whatever he asked. Dud would scratch his chin, looking upward as if he were thinking, then tell Stinky to get a Tootsie Roll from the candy shelf. Stinky would jump down and run over to the shelf, look around, and proceed to pick out a Tootsie Roll (that was his candy of choice, of course). Then he would head right back to Mom’s side to eat his prize. Dud would always treat mom to a Coke and candy for her participation. Once she finished her Coke and candy, Mom would climb up Sonny’s leg using her toes and bare feet until she was mounted upon Sonny’s bare back. Stinky would jump up after her, and they’d head back home to the farm.
After Mom was grown and had moved to Dallas, she met my dad on New Year’s Eve of 1964. They married in a small private ceremony just 15 days later. She missed her old way of living, so she didn’t stop until she had persuaded my dad to move back to the farm in Rand where she grew up. Once they moved back, she became a rancher, just like her father and his mother before him. Mom loved her animals, and living in the country that is where she always felt at peace and at home.
I think my mom and dad shared lots of love over the years, alongside the challenges. Mom always said the secret to being married is to never go to bed mad after an argument. She may have been onto something, as she was with lots of other advice she shared with all of us throughout the years. That was one of Mom’s greatest qualities—she could share advice, even the hard stuff, in a compassionate, loving way that always made perfect sense. She had a way of making you think so you could make better decisions for yourself. Mom and Dad would have been married 55 years this next January.
I remember when I was a little girl, Mom would bribe me to go fishing with a bologna sandwich, Coke, and a Snickers bar. I was much more interested in the snack than fishing, even the time we caught more than twenty fish (including two five-pound bass!) at the Bren Bottom fishing hole. I was so tired of fishing at that point, I quit putting bait on the hook so I could enjoy my snacks. The problem was, I still kept catching fish even without bait! Mom was so excited, all she could say was, “Mannette, stop eating and catch those fish!” At least later that night I got to enjoy the rewards of fishing with a big family fish fry.
She wasn’t only an amazing mother to my brothers and me, but she was also a second mom to my kids. Most summers, they spent more time with her than me. My daughter was just telling me how she loved to go to the pastures with Mimi so they could name all the newborn baby calves: Oreo, Chocolate Chip, Gingerbread…Can you tell they both have a sweet tooth?
My daughter also reminded me of the time Mom convinced them that the bumps on the side of the road were braille for blind people. She pretended to close her eyes and drive hitting the bumps, showing my kids how tricky it was to navigate the corners when you drive without your eyesight. She could be pretty convincing as she spun her amazing stories with her great sense of humor! I don’t think my kids would be the people they are today without her impact on their lives.
She loved all five of her grandchildren so well. In fact, I think you could say they were her everything, and each one of them cherished her. I know they each have learned something from her that changed their lives for the better, molding them into the incredible people they are today.
Mimi was an amazing daughter, wife, mom, and grandmother. I’m the woman I am today because of her and the unconditional love she always supplied, along with the practical advice she always shared (even if I didn’t want to hear it). She was my number one supporter and my best friend for as long as I can remember. We could talk about anything and everything, sometimes ‘til three in the morning! She was truly the strongest and bravest woman I have ever known. To me, she was the ultimate role model.
She taught me how to:
• accept and respect others
• love others unconditionally
• be compassionate
• be strong
• be honest
• be generous
• give back to the world
• be a good mom
To Dad, she was always his Child Bride and love of his life. I can’t thank my dad enough for taking such good care of her these last few years. He stepped up and made her life bearable through the hard times. She couldn’t have survived without him, and I know she loved him deeply.
So, to Mimi, the most amazing woman I have ever known!
You will be missed and always loved.
The Process of Grief
Losing the people we love is difficult, and grieving takes time. It is a process much like healing after abuse. We all will go through the stages of grieving at different speeds, and it will look different every time. That is perfectly natural! This isn’t the first time for me, nor will it be the last.
The Five Stages of Grief
• Denial: The temporary state of mind of dealing with the overwhelming emotions and belief that this isn’t happening or hasn’t happened. You may experience shock or numbness before you accept the truth of the reality you are facing.
• Bargaining: Some of us deal with the guilt of “What if…” “If only…” or “What could I have done?” We need to move past these kinds of thoughts and recognize the journey of someone else’s life or death is out of our hands; we are only loving bystanders. Our guilt or bartering with a higher power won’t change what has happened.
• Anger: You are faced with the pain of your loss, and you may feel helpless and frustrated. Anger can emerge toward yourself or others, and we may even find ourselves being angry at the one who has passed on. This is normal; it’s just part of the process. Learn to express your anger appropriately, and only at the person who warrants it. Work to move through your anger with patience and tolerance.
• Depression: Depression is the most common emotional stage of grief. All of us experience sadness and overwhelming unpleasant emotions. You may even experience regret, guilt, hopelessness, and feelings of loneliness. Depression can affect your sleep, appetite, focus, health, and even your relationships. Try to work through your unpleasant emotions with grace and kindness toward yourself. Always remember that eventually, in time, these kinds of feelings will subside and eventually pass.
• Acceptance: This is usually the final stage we experience after losing someone. We finally accept our loss and start moving on with our lives. We may still feel emotional, but it isn’t as intense or as devastating as before. Just because we accept the loss of someone we love doesn’t mean we forget their memory.
Each individual will experience grief in their own way and in their own time. There is no specific order or right or wrong way to work through the stages of grief. Grief can reemerge over and over again for many months, or even years. You may experience triggers (anniversaries, songs, movies, or places) that remind you of the person you lost, which takes you back to the emptiness, sadness, and loneliness once again. Try to remember that a lack of sorrow doesn’t mean you don’t love, admire, or miss your loved one. Their memory and the love you have for them can remain with you for as long as you live.
Grief is just another part of life, and all of us will experience it at some point or another. Be gentle with yourself and others. Remember your loved ones, talk about them, cry, laugh and value what time you had, then move forward and live your own life to the fullest.
I wish you the best through your grieving process.
Much Love,
Mannette