One Survivor's Struggles

The truth is survivors struggle with holidays for many reasons. For me holidays were extremely stressful and depressing most of my life. For as long as I can remember, I would feel physically sick most holidays. My childhood pain and trauma would surface during the holiday season. 

My family--especially my mother--enthusiastically celebrated they holidays with all of our extended family. My mother had a different experience and connection to the holidays than I did. As a small child, I spent many Christmases sitting around the tree next to my abuser sometimes with his arm around me smiling for the camera acting as if we were one big, happy family. No one knew he was my ongoing nightmare -- the monster who sexually violated my small innocent body and mind. I spent years wanting to run with nowhere to go. I felt overwhelmed with anxiety and fear. 

Once I was grown, I shared my secret of abuse and refused to spend holidays in his presence, but the holidays have always reminded me of a fearful and sad time as a child. For years, I felt guilty and made excuses for not participating at family gatherings. I continued to move farther away from my hometown making it harder to return home during the holidays. 

We all have triggers, places, smell, things, and people that remind us of our disturbing painful past. Unfortunately, some of these things are more emotionally embedded in our psyche than others. I have only been back home a few times over the last twelve years. Everything about holidays reminds me of my childhood abuse. It can be hard for others to understand. My mother was always supportive, but she never understood the trauma and triggers of my childhood abuse. Even today I can’t say that I like the holidays, but I try to make them enjoyable for my husband, grown children, and friends. Over the years I have changed most of the traditions I celebrated as a child and incorporated new traditions that don’t remind me of my childhood. It took me years to make different choices including where and with whom I spent my holidays. 

If you struggle with the holidays, consider making some changes. Try creating an environment and traditions that are different from your past. Consider only including people that are safe, respectful, supportive, and caring. If you feel emotionally overwhelmed give yourself some time and space to deal with those emotions. Don’t subject yourself to people who are abusive, controlling, or manipulating. 

Remember yesterday is your past. You don’t have to relive the pain of your past, today. 

You are the only one that can take care of your own emotional well-being. Treat yourself with kindness and compassion this holiday season. 

Love,

Mannette

Author of 

Finding Your Voice-A Path to Recovery for Survivors of Abuse